The Recovery Project

I know it's been over a year, but I'm Back... Ready, Set... Share!

2012-01-27T16:56:00.011-05:00

All work and no play makes Susie a verrrrry dull girl.

I was checking out at the supermarket the other day, near the gum, beef jerky and tabloid magazines. And there she was -- Amy Whinehouse. I made a comment... "That poor thing - so sad she didn't get it on time."

The woman behind me took offense. She said, "I'm so sick of hearing about these celebrity addicts. When someone dies overseas in the war, they don't get this much attention. We rarely hear about it."

Being a recovering addict, I jumped to Whinehouse's defense and immediately replied, "It's apples and oranges... You can't compare the two." I backed up my opinion by claiming these reports can worthwhile, even if it sways one person to get help.

When I got in my car, the woman's comment haunted me. Was she right? I thought?

What's your opinion?

Happy Anniversary to Me!

2010-08-15T15:52:00.005-04:00

How the heck have all of my friends been. You might have thought I fell off the face of the Earth. But I'm back. Hoping all my friends are okay out there.

A couple of updates -- My friend did accomplish her goal -- she raised enough money to keep the scholarship going.

And as for me? I've been writing, reading, going to movies -- the things I love best.

Tomorrow will be 8 years clean and sober for me -- One Day at a Time.

I miss you all. And I hope to keep blogging.

Let me know if you're alright, need any help, or just want to shoot the s$#&...

Hugs and Happiness. xoxoxo Sue

A Special Request...

2009-09-19T09:36:00.011-04:00

Prayer For The Day

I pray that I will find happiness in doing the right thing. I pray that I will find satisfaction in obeying spiritual laws.

No video or attempts at wit or humor today (well, maybe just a little)...
I have a special request for anyone who stumbles upon this post...

Anyone who really knows me is aware that I have serious difficulty asking for any kind of help. But today, like the prayer says, I am going to try to do the right thing. Today, I am going to really try to pay it forward.

Last June, my colleague Teri and I were at the end of year scholarship awards ceremony. And much to our dismay, we learned the scholarship set up for a former friend and teacher that suddenly passed away at a young age just a few years ago, had just run out of funds.

Apparently, this bad news must have been stewing in my friend Teri's brain. Because after she started reading my blog, she came up with an idea of her own. She started writing articles, as some of you might have seen on this blog, and planned to keep the scholarship alive with any revenue from the articles. So far she's made about 17 cents.

"If I can earn just a few pennies an article per month, I can do this," she said enthusiastically on Superintendent's conference day.

Yesterday, after work, even though I'm behind on my own work and blogging, I helped her set up a blog for her cause. I told her that I would do anything in my power to get the word out for her Pay it Forward Project.

So today, I humbly ask all of my friends and followers to...
*Visit her blog and subscribe
* surf her articles
*perhaps put her widget on your blog (you can grab it from my blog or hers)

I ask you to be a part of this rewarding pay it forward project.

If each and everyone of you that reads this, asks three of their friends to help out, and they tell three friends -- this might just work.

I love you guys... thanks for listening. And thanks for keeping me sober. xoxoxo

Sue

So you see, kindness really is contagious...

Can you please help Teri pay it forward? Visit her Blog

Talent -- Watch out Kanye West, I'm back...

2009-09-14T04:04:00.014-04:00

Daily Inspiration

Talent is the ability to do easily that which others find difficult.

Lord, help me to recognize and value the abilities that I have been given and use them gratefully.

Simple trust in God is all that is required to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Lord, I love You. I trust in You. I am Your child.

Pay It Forward -- even though I'm struggling with these flu-like symptoms, I got up, went food shopping, cooked a pot roast then planted myself on the couch. When my daughter got home from college, she paid it forward by cleaning the place up.

ME?

My talents? I'm not sure... does being able to tie a cherry stem with my tongue count? Perhaps it's working well with weak, troubled students. Is that a talent? Hmmm, I'll have to think about that...

I truly believe I witnessed true 'talent' on television while watching the MTV music video awards last night.

A young country-pop singer, Taylor Swift, won an award for best female performance. While starting her acceptance speech, Kanye West , another artist, interrupted on stage adding his added his two cents that Beyonce should have won the award. (watch his ridiculous behavior in today's video).

But it wasn't until the end of the awards ceremony did I witness true talent, professionalism and kindness. When Beyonce won the last award of the evening -- the prestigious Video of the year award -- she paused then said, "I remember when I was 17 years old with Destiny's Child and nominated for an MTV music award. It was the most exciting moment of my life..."

Beyonce Knowles

Then she asked for the humiliated Taylor Swift to please come back onto the stage. Beyonce gave her moment in the spotlight to the young nineteen-year old rising starlet -- stepping back and allowing her to finish her acceptance speech.

Clearly God was doing his work through the superstar. Now, that's what I call real talent.

Sue

To my Readers: I went back to work last week (teaching high school). Between prepping for the 2 new classes and this horrible haunting cold, I've had difficulty bloggin this week. Thanks for all of your emails and messages. Hugs... xoxoxo

What are some of your talents?

Security -- I want my Blankie!

2009-09-07T11:32:00.009-04:00

Prayer For The Day

I pray that I may go each day to God as a refuge until fear goes and peace and security come. I pray that I may feel deeply secure in the Haven of His spirit.

***I got a little giggle out of this one***

Pay it Forward for Yesterday: Even though I'm still under the weather, I got up early and made ziti for my daughter's after game tailgate party. I'm not saving the world with this stuff, but it's a start.

ME?

Instead of going to God when I have a little paper cut, I usually wait too long -- until my arm is severed and I'm bleeding to death. Ha, I think that video had more of an influence on me than I realized.

I think I used to feel that relying on God for every little thing showed weakness. But I don't believe that anymore. I know now it shows faith.

If I can't rely on my higher power for warmth, comfort and protection, then who can I rely on?

Sue

Short and sweet today because the prayer says it all. Happy Labor Day to All!

What do you think about today's prayer?

Live my life to the What?

2009-09-06T03:19:00.015-04:00

Prayer For The Day

I pray that I may live each day as though it were my last. I pray that I may live my life as though it were everlasting.

*** You couldn't get me to do this in a million years***

PAY it FORWARD for Yesterday: I won the 50/50 at my daughter's game and donated it back to the team even though I really could have used it.

ME?

I always love a good prayer. What prayer can be bad, right?

(PEE or Applejuice -- Life's Eternal Mystery)

Well, today's daily prayer -- I had a trouble with it. Before I became sober, that's exactly how I lived my life -- as if each day were my last. Look where that mentality almost got me... in a coffin, nearly taking some others with me.

Sue, I don't think the prayer means that... The key is Everlasting. You must live your life each day with the light of your Higher Power as your eternal guide.

Since I'm still confused, I'm decided to change the prayer to something more comfortable for me:
Live today with all the kindness, forgiveness and grace that I would muster as if I knew it were the day I was going to meet my Maker.

It's okay to change a prayer, right?

Sue

What did you think of today's prayer?

Hurt -- Pull the Bandaid off fast, please...

2009-09-05T05:42:00.014-04:00

Daily Inspiration

To be completely at peace, avoid hurting anyone for any reason. Lord, I will act with kindness and when others are hurtful to me, I will focus on Your presence within them to give me courage to respond gently.If we spend time thanking God for the good things in our lives, we won't have time to do so much complaining.

Thank You, Lord, for the gift of life and the many things that bring me joy.

*** Don't fib -- I know you watched it too... lol ***

Pay it Forward for Yesterday: I've been feeling under the weather with flu-like symptoms. But rather than sit on my butt all day long, I did some research for a colleague for a new course she'll start teaching next week. Not much, but she really appreciated it.

ME?

Hurt so good (singin') -- come on baby, make it hurt so good. Oops, wrong topic.

Is there anything more difficult than to be kind to those that hurt us. I was taught that I had to let go of the resentments toward those that hurt me and to stop blaming them for my pain.

I've tried to teach, to my child and students, that those who hurt are usually hurting themselves. And we should feel sorry for those who lash out -- not anger and grudge.

Words are so easy to say -- to teach, but oh so difficult to live by.

Sue

I needed some extra inspiration today... Join me in a Spiritual Crossword Puzzle.

Can you forgive those who have hurt you?

Peace --You wanna piece of me?

2009-09-04T06:51:00.016-04:00

Prayer For The Day

I pray that I may do the things that make for peace. I pray that I may have a mission of conciliation.

***This Adam and Eve Commercial was Banned***

PAY IT FORWARD for Yesterday: I helped a disabled older woman put her groceries in her truck at the supermarket. At first she hesitated -- must have thought I was a wierdo. But we both parted with a smile.

Me?

I'm going to show my age here... Remember the song and video, We are the World. I recall watching that video and listening to that song with tears in my eyes. The world uniting together to promote world peace and stop hunger -- sigh.

I was so touched by this song. So I can't help wonder what happened to me. When did I lose that peaceful, easy feeling?

Me, me, me -- enough about me; Let's move on to the Daily Prayer.

Well, I'm not completely sure to what peace this prayer refers. When I think of peace -- the first thing that comes to mind is inner peace. But I ask myself, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg... inner peace or conciliation?"

Perhaps, the two work as a team -- hand in hand, complementing each other -- like Tom and Jerry or Laverne and Shirley.

One thing I know for sure... I can't begin to reconcile with others until I'm reconciled with me. So for now, my mission of conciliation is with me and my Higher Power.

Sue

Peace be with you all.

What is your opinion on inner peace and conciliation?

TO THE READERS: Thanks to a blogger friend... I have taken her suggestion to get outside myself and perform a random act of kindness each day.

Learn more about the Susan/Susan Recovery Project or visit posts on Love, Free Will, Acceptance, Change, Waste, Balance, Selflessness, Happiness/misery, or Imperfection.

Kindness -- There is no ME in Kindness

2009-09-03T05:22:00.013-04:00

Daily Inspiration

Today be kind and loving and expect nothing in return. When you lift your consciousness above the darkness, you will understand that the life of God is the only enduring life.

Daily Prayer: Dear God, open our hearts to be able to see you anywhere, anytime, in all the ways that you choose to be present.

***This one really made me smile. Take a lookie see.***

ME?

Someone from the program emailed me the other day. He wanted to be friendly and extend a helping hand to a fellow sufferer. His warm words and generosity truly helped me get through a very rough day.

Ah, one of the extreme benefits and joys I have received from this project.

After a few emails, I learned he had cancer and only a few months to live. When I read the Daily Inspiration, I thought of him.

Today, I'm going to perform at least 3 random acts of kindness discreetly and expect nothing in return. It is time I witness, first hand, God, present in my life.

One down -- two to go... lol...

Hugs,
Sue

How do you see your Higher Power present in your life?

Learn more about the Susan/Susan Recovery Project or visit posts on Love, Free Will, Acceptance, Change, Waste, Balance, Selflessness, Happiness/misery, or Imperfection.

Memory -- All Alone in the Moonlight

2009-09-02T05:58:00.033-04:00

Father Leo's Daily Meditation

"Every man's memory is his private literature."
-- Aldous Huxley

My memory is the key to my recovery. Spirituality is about "seeing" --seeing my life as it is, rather than how I imagined or hoped it would be. My pain belongs in my life because it is mine! Alcohol always works; but does it work for me or against me? My remembering helps me answer that question today and hopefully tomorrow.

Today's Prayer: Thank You, God, for allowing my yesterdays to forge my tomorrows.

***Memory, Magic or Destiny?***

Me?

Ingrid Bergman once said, "Happiness is good health and a bad memory." Well, for me, only half of this is true.

I realize that I have to remember the mistakes in my past.

I have to remember that woman that nearly ruined her daughter's communion party. She drank all the carafes of wine leftover on the tables then in front of her relatives, gave her fiance a lap dance using his tie as bondage.

That woman driver on the Taconic, the one who allegedly was driving under the influence. The one who drove the wrong way and killed all of those people -- all of those children. Dear God, I have to remember that woman could have been me.

I have to remember, because if I don't, I am likely to repeat those mistakes over and over again.

Unfortunately, as an addict, I tend to chew on a piece of meat until all the flavor is gone. It's important to remember the past -- learn from the past, but not dwell on the past or act like a victim.

Because when you dwell, it'll feel like you're in... Hello please operator, give me number nine...

Sue

"Touch the fire -- I get burned. Touch the fire -- I get burned. Aha, touch the fire -- I get burned!"

Do you have any memories you shouldn't forget? And did Criss Angel guess your card in the video?

Learn more about the Susan/Susan Recovery Project or visit posts on Free Will, Acceptance, Change, Waste, Balance, Selflessness, Happiness/misery, or Imperfection.

Goals -- Be Careful what you Wish for cuz you just might get it...

2009-09-01T06:53:00.001-04:00

Daily Motivator

The reason why You know what you must do. And yet how do you get yourself to do it? Again and again, remind yourself why.

With a strong enough reason why, you will be able to do anything at any time in any circumstance. If you're tempted to put off a task until later, remind yourself why you truly want to get it done. Put a powerful why behind it, and you'll find a way to do it now.

Real achievement demands many consistent, focused efforts spread over long periods of time. The way to keep it up is to keep it meaningful. Give your long-term intentions the opportunity to dispel the short-term, momentary urges. With a clear, solid purpose firmly in mind, you'll stay reliably on track. Whatever you choose to imagine can happen for you.

Constantly give your goals a sincere reason why, and you'll bring them steadily to life.
-- Ralph Marston

***Parody of Pussy Cat Dolls by Britney Houston Trannie Dancers***

ME?

I always found setting a goal can be easy. It's the following through that's the hard part.

More importantly than the goal, in my opinion, is the sabotage. Why do we often carefully plan our mission, start off gungho, then... KABLAM -- throw a monkey wrench into the mix.

I love the final sentence in this motivation -- constantly bring your goals to life. If we don't resuscitate our goals, who will? Yesterday, with the encourage of my friends in the blogosphere, I gave my goal a little mouth to mouth and I'm slowly getting back on track.

My mantra today will be in honor of our president Obama and the little engine that could... "Yes I can! Yes I can! Yes I can!"

Sue

She shoots; she scores -- GOAL!!

What are your goals in life?

Learn more about the Susan/Susan Recovery Project or visit posts on Free Will, Acceptance, Change, Waste, Balance, Selflessness, Happiness/misery, or Imperfection.

Pain -- Why don't you like me?

2009-08-31T06:19:00.002-04:00

Meditation For The Day

Try not to give way to criticism, blame, scorn, or judgment of others, when you are trying to help them. Effectiveness in helping others depends on controlling yourself. You may be swept away by a temporary natural urge to criticize or blame, unless you keep a tight rein on your emotions.

You should have a firm foundation of spiritual living which makes you truly humble, if you are going to really help other people. Go easy on them and be hard on yourself.That is the way you can be used most to uplift a despairing spirit. And seek no personal recognition for what you are used by God to accomplish.

Prayer For The Day: I pray that I may try to avoid judgment and criticism. I pray that I may always try to build up others instead of tearing them down.

*** an excerpt from Mean Girls ***

ME?

When I feel down, and after a day like yesterday -- eating unhealthy and arguing with my daughter -- I do feel down... I tend to beat myself up.

Today is a new day. My daughter and I are BFFs again, and woke up this morning, picked myself up and began another attempt at living with a healthy mind, body and spirit. I just hope my frustration quarterbacked by my disease will not create more misdirected anger at my seventeen year old.

Susan: This disease makes me feel weak and stupid -- just like when I'm watching Jeopardy and I try to answer questions more than $400. Who am I kidding... $200. This disease makes me feel...
/Susan: ...Stop it -- I can't take your whining anymore. Didn't you get anything from the meditation and prayer for the day?
Susan: There was a meditation and prayer for the day?

All kidding aside -- today is another day. And I'm not going to give up. I'm going to keep reading and writing -- and praying. Because I truly believe, with perseverance, I can be saved. I know I'm not alone.

Sue

Today's question is a WORD ASSOCIATION... what's the first word that pops into your head when I say, "PAIN"?

Learn more about the Susan/Susan Recovery Project or visit posts on Love, Free Will, Acceptance, Change, Waste, Balance, Selflessness, Happiness/misery, or Imperfection.

Love -- Give it away, give it away, give it away now...

2009-08-30T05:52:00.002-04:00

Keep it Simple

Love is something if you give away, you end up having more.
--- Malvina Reynolds

Service is how we give love away. It’s the “self” of self-help. Service is not a duty; a gift that’s been given to us. We help ourselves by helping others. It’s how we make sure the program will be here tomorrow.

We “carry the message.” It’s just one way we see how important we are to others. The world needs us. The world needs our love.

Prayer for the Day: I pray for help in making service a big part of my program. Higher Power, help me to “carry the message.”
Action for the Day: Which people could use a kind word and a little love? I will go visit them or give them a call.

***Please note -- I am not affiliated with any blog/advertising***

ME?

I always found giving far better than receiving -- unless you're receiving a 2 carat princess cut in a platinum setting.

But seriously folks... Giving is one area that I am stronger than others -- in and out of the rooms. It's very important to me that carrying the message does is not restricted to members of the program or our faith.

Carrying the message could be
opening the door for someone,
slipping a friendly note in someone's lunchbox,
listening to a problem without judgement,
holding someone's hand or
simply making someone laugh.
Carrying the message can be done in silence by avoiding the urge to be mean, critical or belittling.

Yes, I know -- love is patient; love is kind. But love is also contagious -- like gonorrhea, but in a good way. Too far? So sorry.

Okay, I'll keep it brief. Today, I'm going to get out of myself and show everyone in my path some love. While I'm driving, I won't tell anyone they suck or flip them the bird. Maybe I'll even use one of my lifelines, take Stevie's Wonder's lead and pick up the phone to tell someone I love them.

Sue

I'm sending all my readers some love today, with a warm hug. Pay it forward, pay it forward, pay it forward, now.

How will you pay Love forward today?

Learn more about the Susan/Susan Recovery Project or visit posts on Free Will, Acceptance, Change, Waste, Balance, Selflessness, Happiness/misery, or Imperfection.

Free Will -- There's always a fork in the road, a spoon or a steak knife...

2009-08-29T06:01:00.001-04:00

Meditation For The Day

Breathe in the inspiration of goodness and truth. It is the spirit of honesty, purity, unselfishness, and love. It is readily available if we are willing to accept it wholeheartedly.

God has given us two things– His spirit and the power of choice – to accept or not, as we will.We have the gift of free will. When we choose the path of selfishness and greed and pride, we are refusing to accept God's spirit. When we choose the path of love and service, we accept God's spirit and it flows into us and makes all things new.

Prayer For The Day: I pray that I may choose the right way. I pray that I may try to follow it to the end.

ME?

Choices -- some are simple, like deciding to leave a lucrative programming career to teach high school math and raise my own daughter. Other decisions are more difficult, like deciding what 2 sides to get with my Turkey entree at Boston Market.

Regardless, I believe it is my choice -- my responsibility -- and depending upon the choices I make, my life might take a different turn.

Sue, do you really believe that you have that kind of control in your life?

Control? Ha, if I had control, I would be able to drink only 2 classes of Moet rather than 2 bottles at a sitting. No, it's more like I have the ability to choose my own direction. And my direction may determine the roads I travel in my life.

So, you don't believe in destiny or predetermination at all?

Wow, an extremely existentialist question before my morning cup of Joe. To simplify this multi-faceted topic, life is like a video game. Let's call it The DeAngelis House of Doom. I can muddle through, go left, right, up, down... I can take on a whole clan of zombies with only a half clip and a smile or bail out down some sewage pipes below.

My goal is the same -- to get to the end, win the game, while accumulating as many points as possible.

I still don't get it, Sue.

Zombie analogy too weird for ya? Okay, I believe no matter what choices we make during our lifetime, in the end, all roads lead to the same place. But the paths we choose and how we interact with others during our travels, define who we truly are as individuals.

Enough said. I have to decide what I'm going to do first this morning -- the laundry, food shopping, cleaning the house. No stress, if I don't get to it today, it'll get done eventually.

Sue

Help me decide -- scrambled or over easy for breakfast?

What is your take on Free Will and Destiny? What happened when you tried the Freaky Math Trick?

Learn more about the Susan/Susan Recovery Project or visit posts on Acceptance, Change, Waste, Balance, Selflessness, Happiness/misery, or Imperfection.

Acceptance -- Is this gonna be Forever?

2009-08-28T06:27:00.001-04:00

Prayer For The Day

I pray that I may willingly submit to whatever spiritual discipline
is necessary. I pray that I may accept whatever it takes to live a
better life.

*** please note -- I am not affiliated with any advertisement ***

ME?

My version of The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to Accept I'm an alcoholic/addict,
the courage to Accept I'm an alcoholic/addict,
the wisdom to Accept I'm an alcoholic/addict.

See the pattern here?

Yes, you guessed it -- I have a huge issue with ACCEPTANCE!

Seven years ago, I came kicking and screaming into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, completely beaten down physically, emotionally and spirituality. Still, I was looking for a quick fix for my misery.

Ha, as most of you know, a quick fix would be like putting a bandaide on an amputation.

Whether or not you're an addict, letting go and letting God
-- truly letting go -- can be more difficult than...
* sitting through The Notebook without getting choked up.
* shopping at the Hershey Chocolate Shoppe during a 3 day fast.
* trying on bathing suits in an open dressing room.

Today, I accept that I have no control over the obsessions that plague me.
I accept that I must turn over control to a power greater than me.
And I accept and pray letting go of control will bring peace and serenity in my life.

To sum it up, I have to Accept+Submit+Relinquish=Serenity...

Sue

Just in case I get into trouble, my safe word is BANANA.

Do you have trouble with Acceptance?

Learn more about the Susan/Susan Recovery Project or visit posts on Change, Waste, Balance, Selflessness, Happiness/misery, or Imperfection.

Change -- Can you spare some Change?

2009-08-27T07:21:00.001-04:00

Keep It Simple

Things do not change, we do.
---Henry David Thoreau

There are still as many bars as there were when we were drinking. There are still lots of drugs around.The world hasn’t changed. What’s changed is that we now live a different way of life.

We’ve learned that, for us, alcohol and other drugs are poison.For us, there are now two worlds: the world we left behind, and our new world of recovery. In our old world, we’d try to get everyone else to change. We had the right. In our new world, we look for ways we can change for the better. In our new life, we’re willing to change.

Prayer for the Day: I pray that I may be like a mighty river, always changing.
Action for the Day: I will list changes I need to make in my new life.

***Warning Video contains language/profanity***

ME?

One thing I know for sure -- it's certainly time to change.

I'm in what I call a transition period -- in between sentences -- in a rut -- a midlife crisis -- growing and regressing at a constant rate. Well, I guess it's better than two steps forward and three steps back.

I realize change is relative and what I consider change might be completely different from the next person. But what I think most can agree is that the outside influences of this world can make change very difficult. Healthy expectations and society's are not one in the same. Since society's not going to change, I guess it's up to me.

Today, I will follow the action of the day and make a list of some of the changes I need in my life.

1) Get up and out -- move more and eat healthier.
2) Spend more energy on honesty and less on isolation.
3) Procrastinate less and organize more.
4) Be more patient with myself and others.
5) Be open minded and take suggestions.
6) Get my petrified butt to a face to face meeting.
7) Buy milk and bread -- oops, wrong list.

As the great Peter Brady once said, "When it's time to change, you've got to rearrange."

I hope when I start rearranging that I don't trip over the furniture.

Sue

What changes, if any, do you have to make in your life?

Waste Not -- Want Not

2009-08-26T05:09:00.000-04:00

Walk In Dry Places

Waste Utilization
Releasing the past

Today the world faces seemingly insurmountable problems with solid and liquid waste. Communities struggle to find solutions as waste accumulates and space for disposal sites grows scarce.

As recovering people, we have a similar problem with waste residues from our past. We don't seem to be able to bury bad memories; like the physical waste in the environment, they come back to poison us.

The best answer is to use waste, not throw it away. Instead of trying to bury the past, let's keep it in view but let it be purified by the sunlight of honesty and humility. By admitting past wrongs and forgiving everyone involved.... including ourselves..... we turn waste into useful experience. Nature can do this with much physical waste, over time. we can also let our spiritual nature do that with the emotional and mental waste of our past.

I'll realize that every past mistake and experience can be properly utilized today for something good and uplifting.

*** Warning *** Semi-Adult Content

ME?

Sue, why the heck are you talking about WASTE today?

Ha, I thought the same thing, but this daily brings up important points that can assist in my recovery.

Often, I ask myself, "How did I get this way?"

As the topic states, the problems, resentments -- the waste -- accumulated in our past are the poisons that feed our disease. They are the dukie that clogs the pipes of our lives. They are the backup that stops-up our progress.

Ah, I'm a poet and didn't know it.

Sue, how do I get past these plumbing problems?

I'm glad you asked... the answer is D-N-R...

Do Not Resuscitate?

No silly, DIVE - NAVIGATE - RECYCLE

Dive - Delve into your past and present -- discover and attack the poison.
Navigate - Direct the poison -- Release the bad and Redirect the good.
Recycle - Recycle the good that comes from the bad.

Sue, how can good come from bad?

As the saying goes, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Even though bad is bad (and sometimes very bad), good can always come out of it -- learning from your past and sharing your experience, strength and hope with others.

Enough said -- I'm off to dive into the murky waters of my past. Does anyone out there know CPR?

Sue

To my READERS: If you have a quote, song or blog/site that you would like featured on my blog, you can email me at susanmdeangelis@yahoo.com

What are your thoughts on WASTE and D-N-R?

Balance -- Step on the Scale, please...

2009-08-25T02:42:00.001-04:00

Keep It Simple

In every real man a child is hidden that wants to play.
---Friedrick Nietzsche

All of us have a child inside. We may see that child as a friend or as a enemy. Many of us were taught that growing up meant doing away with our inner child. It was as if being a child was bad and being an adult was good.

If we try to be only an adult, the child cries, ”Let me run free and show you the beauty of the world.” If we try to be only a child, we find the adult in using us saying, “It’s time to grow up.”

Let’s find a balance. Remember, the adult needs the wonder found in the eyes of the child. Remember, the child needs the loving care of the adult. The child lives where we find our spirit. Our Higher Power is the prefect balance of the two.

Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, help me be both the child and the adult. I need both.
Action for the Day: Today, I’ll make time to be a child and to be an adult.

ME?

Nietzsche -- brings back memories of a course I took as an undergraduate in college -- existentialism. Although I enjoy philosophising, I agonized through this course.

When I signed up for the course, I didn't even know what existentialism meant. My Motivation for enduring lectures on the obscure meaning of life, death and the intermittent? No classes on Fridays!

Ah, the warped mentality of an addict.

Although the famous philosopher's statement is sexist, I do agree we should embrace and nurture our inner child. For some of us, however, we regress, and have difficulty finding the balance.

Balance... if it were easy, why would we coin the phrase 'balancing act'?

I see things in either bright neon or black and white.
I think north and south or east and west -- polar extremes.
I still can't have just one -- and that's not just potato chips.
A day does not go by that I don't question my existence and wonder whether I should live or die.

I was told in early recovery the more I find peace, the less my moods and desires would swing. The more I drift away from the program and a spiritually sound lifestyle, I have come to believe the fellowship was correct.

Will I ever become a balanced individual?

NOW: Susan = Susan + /Susan

= American's Next Top Model + Little Women
= single cheese & fries + grilled chicken salad
= Pessimist + Optimist
= superficial + cerebral
= Playful + grounded
= runaway + role model
= selfish + selfless
= hopeless + hopeful
= hopeful + hopeless
= child + adult

GOAL: Susan = A Balanced ME

Sue

For my Followers: G wasn't at the game, nor did I expect him to be. But I'll keep you posted (wink and a smile).

What's your equation and how do you create Balance in your life?

Attraction -- Watch your step... First one is a Doosey

2009-08-24T03:37:00.001-04:00

Daily Inspirational Quotes

"Watch your manner of speech if you wish to develop a peaceful state of mind. Start each day by affirming peaceful, contented and happy attitudes and your days will tend to be pleasant and successful."
--Norman Vincent Peale

ME?

Yesterday, I did as promised. I put on a happy face for my daughter at the field hockey game and was a semi-success. Today, however, is round 2, the field hockey tourney. This time, it's much longer -- a three way -- and not the good kind (oops sorry, just kidding, my bad).

I'm feeling a little frisky this morning.

Maybe it's because I saw a glimpse of my former self yesterday, the good social butterfly self. Mingling was my forte when I was boozin' it. And luckily, it's one of the qualities that has remained in sobriety.

Maybe I'm feeling this way because I felt something stir inside me at the game -- a feeling that has been dead for quite some time.
My confession? I felt an attraction for a man -- a man that I will call G.

SCENE: Sunday, at my daughter's field hockey game -- I'm standing at the Team Merchandise table, embarrassed for leaving my wallet and checkbook home. The unfriendly woman behind the table has a very heavy accent -- maybe Lithuanian. When asked the price of the tee-shirts, it sounds like she said $50.

G: How much are the tee-shirts? (said to me with my back turned)
Susan: I think $15. (I turn around)
\Susan: Wow, he looks like a cross between McSteamy on Grey's Anatomy and Anderson Cooper... And Bonus -- no wedding ring.
G: Fifteen sounds better than fifty. (he smiles)
\Susan: Say something clever, Sue... say something clever.
Susan: Are you nuts? I look like a stand in for Orville the pig from Green Acres.

Susan giggles then shuffles away.

Susan: Yeah, fifteen sounds much better.

ENDSCENE

As a woman who used to overlap boyfriends and engagements, it's inconceivable that I haven't been in the company of the opposite sex for the high end of triple digits. Feeling unattractive, the last thing I want to be is touched.
Another confession? Even when I had 5% body fat, I used to insist on making love in darkness equivalent to a solar eclipse.

When G spoke to me, something erupted inside, like a dormant volcano disturbed from its slumber. And I realized, yet another tragic aspect of enabling my disease -- the absence of romantic love .

Okay, enough of this Harlequin talk.

Today, I started my day with a thimble full of hope rather than a pocket full of sour grapes. The sun is shining -- it's still a beautiful day.

Sue

For my Readers: Thank you ALL for your wonderful comments and encouragement. You fuel my desire to complete my project.

How did you start off your day?

Selflessness -- You want me to do WHAT?

2009-08-23T05:09:00.001-04:00

Daily Inspiration

Life has a way of working itself out if you simply make the best of this moment, one moment at a time. Lord, You have given me this moment.

Grant me the wisdom to live it in a way that will make a difference for me and for those around me. No one has ever asked of God and not received an answer.

Lord, bless me with quiet resolve to hear You and wisdom to accept Your Will.

ME?

Today, I've got to wipe myself off, give my kicks a spit shine and head over to my daughter's first college field hockey scrimmage. Help!

SCENE: Sue's conversation with her daughter, M, the day before the game.

M: So Mom, the coach is looking forward to talking to you at the tailgate party after the game.
Susan: Me, why does she want to talk to me? (she says defensively)
M: It's about fundraising, the Europe trip next summer... you know you're going to have to mingle with all of the parents, right?

As Susan watches her daughter leave the room, her heart begins to pound faster and faster.

Susan: What am I gonna say? Worse, what am I gonna to wear? Is it possible to lose 40 pounds overnight? Why can't I just stay home and have one of her friends videotape the game for me?
/Susan: Now stop it, Sue. Don't let your disease ruin your daughter's special day. Not everything is about you.

Susan takes a deep breath. She knows what she has to do.

Susan: Hey M -- (she shouts to her daughter's room down the hall) -- don't worry. I'll wow 'em tomorrow.

ENDSCENE

Yes, I had one of my Carrie moments..."They're all gonna to laugh at you; they're all gonna laugh at you; they're all gonna laugh at you."

Today, I'll change into my Wonder Woman costume and keep the Daily Inspiration in my head and heart throughout the day's events.

Sue

Wish me Luck!

What have you done lately that is completely selfless?

Beauty's Only Skin Deep...

2009-08-22T08:25:00.001-04:00

Keep It Simple

Beauty is not caused. It is.--- Emily Dickinson

Probably, there have been many times when we thought we weren’t beautiful. We thought we were ugly. We thought we were bad people. This is a natural part of addiction. Our program tells us we’re good, we’re beautiful. Do we believe this? Do we accept this part of the program?

Beauty is an attitude, just as self-hate is an attitude. We need to keep the attitude that we’re beautiful. We owe it to ourselves and to those around us. And, yes, it’s true that you must love yourself before you can love others. Remember, ours is a selfish program. We have to love and see ourselves as beautiful, before we can give it to others.

Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, help me claim my beauty. Help me to see that, sometimes, I have to be selfish to grow.
Action for the Day: Today, I’ll work at falling in love with myself.

ME?

Lately, whenever I see a mirror, I run by quickly, hoping to avoid my refection like the plague. This morning, however, I was short a few strides and caught a glimpse.

"Uh, mirror, mirror, on the wall, what the hell happened to me?"

It's not that I haven't noticed my clothes are tight -- it's like stuffing 10 pounds of potatoes in a 5 pound bag. I guess by avoiding that mirror, I could maintain the illusion that I don't look that badly.

Sadly, that prolonged backward glance in my full length bedroom mirror did confirm my once toned body was on a cruise to nowhere. And my once so full of life personality, bubbling with nauseating enthusiasm and fake confidence, was lost at sea.

One of my readers commented when you fix the inside, the outside will come. I have come to believe that is so very true. Apparently, the comments left on my blog, reading the blogs and conversing with others as had a positive effect on me.

Today, I plan to do something about it.

Today, I'm not going to just whine about change; I'm going to try to change.
Today, I will begin to cleanse my body and start a new healthy regiment.
Today, I will begin my weight loss project and strengthen my body.
Today, I will continue to work on my insides by writing, reading and reaching out to others.

Today, I will try and embrace me for me.

Sue

Baby steps first -- I must keep in mind that it's progress not perfection.

What are your feelings on beauty and change?

Happiness/Misery -- There's a Difference?

2009-08-21T06:18:00.000-04:00

Father Leo's Daily Reflection

HAPPINESS
"We are looking in the wrong places for happiness."
Robert J. McCracken

I sought happiness in the bottle. Others looked for "good feelings" in drugs, food or other people. Today I know that nothing that is outside of me can make me acceptable --- acceptance must come from within. I need to discover that spiritual place where I can be acceptable to me.

Self-esteem is an essential part of my recovery and that can only be realized by making the spiritual journey within. Today I seek to discover me. I want to know me --- because You created me.

ME?
I was always lookin' for love in all the wrong places. I'm my own worst gremlin -- sabotore of my relationships and my sobriety. Hell, a good title for the video could have been It's Your Wonderful Life, Susan DeAngelis. Since I could remember, I thought self-esteem could be bought with some highlights, a new pair of boots, hours at the gym, a man on my arm and master's degree on my wall.

Huh, was I wrong. No really, was I wrong?

But seriously folks, my way or the highway hasn't worked; the Father must be right. Acceptance and self-esteem must be found within. And I hear from a wise source, the strength is already inside me, ready for the using.

Glinda, the Good Witch from the North, as said to Dorothy when asked for a ride home: You don't need my help any longer; You always had the power to go back to Kansas.

So I'll give it a try -- click my red converse kicks together, flip to the Discovery Channel and begin another spiritual journey -- semi open minded and practically positive.

I sure hope it's not SHARK week.

Sue

What and where is the origin of your happiness?

Perfection -- Slightly Imperfected Items are 50% Off...

2009-08-20T05:55:00.001-04:00

Daily Inspiration

Make peace with your imperfections and concentrate on your strengths. Lord, teach me to become more aware of my goodness so that little by little I will become even better.We can be serious about our work without being serious about ourselves.

Lord, help me to enjoy the person that I am.

ME?

PERFECTION is a touchy subject for me. I've been struggling with this issue my whole life.

SCENE: As Susan ponders the Daily Inspiration of her Susan/Susan Recovery Project, she drifts into her computer screen.

Susan: Perfection... Ha, nobody's perfect.
/Susan: So why do you think about it -- strive for it -- all of the time?
Susan: Well, shouldn't we all try to look our best, be our best?
/Susan: What is your best?
Susan: My best? I don't know... I haven't gotten there, yet.

ENDSCENE

I know I can't be perfect; Nobody on this Earth is perfect. But while striving to be my best -- to be what I believe society wants me to be -- I fall short.

Each time I fall short, it's harder to get back up and heal the scraps on my knuckles and knees.

A good friend of mine in early recovery always said to me, "Sue, don't take yourself so seriously." I'll try to keep that in mind today.

Sue

Do you take yourself too seriously?

Isolation -- I'm a Bitch; I'm a Lover; I'm a Child; I'm a Mother...

2009-08-19T05:17:00.001-04:00

Grapevine, October 1959 -- a letter from Bill

"I used to be ashamed of my condition and so didn't talk about it. But nowadays I freely confess I am a depressive, and this has attracted other depressives to me. Working with them has helped a great deal."

ME?

Although I freely confess my innermost insecurities and inadequacies in my blog, I still wear a mask in the world outside.

For a couple of reasons...

1) I'm a teacher.
In society, it's frowned upon having a former champagne drownin', Jack Daniels guzzlin', Cocaine snortin' role model educating our youth.

2) I'm scared.
I'm afraid to let others see the ugliness inside of me. Hell, I'm afraid to take a real look at the ugliness inside me. You see what happened to the goat!

So on the outside, I hide behind my mask and thank God, my Higher Power, that I have others who don't run away when I show them a little peak.

Sue

Do you wear a mask? Why?

Love the One your with...

2009-08-18T04:38:00.000-04:00

As Bill Sees It

Love Everybody?, p. 230

Not many people can truthfully assert that they love everybody. Most of us must admit that we have loved but a few; that we have been quite indifferent to the many. As for the remainder--well, we have really disliked or hated them.

We A.A.'s find we need something much better than this in order to keep our balance. The idea that we can be possessively loving of a few, can ignore the many, and can continue to fear or hate anybody at all, has to be abandoned, if only a little at a time.

We can try to stop making unreasonable demands upon those we love. We can show kindness where we had formerly shown none.With those we dislike we can at least begin to practice justice and courtesy, perhaps going out of our way at times to understand and help them.

ME?
My internet wasn't working all day on Monday. Not really -- I accidentally switched off my connection on my laptop... That's what I call an oops-ahha moment. Because when I finally logged on at 3am, I read exactly what I needed to read.

Yes, I know what you're thinking... it's just like those people that claim to look at the clock at the same time of day all of time -- Mine's 10:29 (my daughter's birthday); what's yours?

Back to Recovery...
Like everyone else in this country, money is tight. Higher rent, college tuition, food -- it's getting harder to pay the bills. My ex-husband (daughter's father) hasn't paid a cent of child support since my daughter could speak, "Je suis tres bien" and before that... I could count the $60 payments on my fingers and toes with a piggy to spare. Let's just say I dislike him immensely.

I don't have a problem loving the people I love, but what about the people I don't love or disappoint me? Resentment is a very heavy load. Maybe if I start forgiving and loving the unloved in my life I can start loving myself?

Food for thought -- or at least an appetizer.

Sue

What do you think?

Project -- Day 1, Day 1, Start Over Again

2009-08-16T18:26:00.001-04:00

From Daily Reflections...

"I HAD DROPPED OUT"
We might next ask ourselves what we mean when we say that we have "harmed" other people. What kinds of "harm" do people do one another, anyway?

To define the word "harm" in a practical way, we might call it the result of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual damage to people.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS , p. 80

ME?

I think I'm a decent person. Just the other day, I helped an old woman get a can of tomatoes from the top shelf at the supermarket -- a big deal for a woman only 5' 4'' on a big hair day. I say please, thank you, your welcome and always hold the door open for others. Hell, I even let my daughter have the last piece of pizza for dinner last night.

"I don't harm anyone," I thought.

But deep inside, I know I do. I harm myself. In fact, I torture myself.

Today's my 7 year anniversity of sobriety, but I don't feel like celebrating. I want to treat it like any other day. Maybe it's because I don't feel worthy -- or sober for that matter. Just another example of my daily dose of self thoathing.

Today I realize that my brain's a crazy place to live -- amongst the scurrying squirrels, sarcasim and low self esteem. It used to be a nice place ot visit, but today I certainly don't want to live here anymore.

Now, stop it Sue. Day 1...

My Mission, my Goal, my Project...

2009-08-15T09:08:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow, on August 16, 2009, I, Susan DeAngelis, will celebrate seven years free from drugs and alcohol -- God Willing -- let's not forget that.

I'm an accomplished teacher, single mom of a beautiful daughter, and recovering addict. I should have everything to live for, but I'm still on shakey ground.

Lately, a day does not go by that I don't crave drugs and alcohol. A day does not go by that I wonder my place in this world. When I look at my reflection, a day does not go by that I don't clench my fist and fantasize about punching my mirror in the face.

I saw a delightful movie the other day -- The Julie/Julia Project. Julie was not a recovering addict but like me, she was lost, frustrated and wanted to find meaning in her life.

"I wish I could cook myself into enlightenment," I thought.

But I knew that wasn't an option -- chicken cutlets, omelettes, chili and an occasional marinara sauce are my limited culinary skills and desires. Then I thought about all of the literature and pamphets accumulating dust in my bookcase from my early recovery... and the fact that I haven't attended a meeting in over 3 years.

"Well, I'm not ready for facing others at a meeting, but blogging about Daily Reflections is an option."

I'm not doing this for money or fame. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. My daughter needs me; I can't feel this way anymore. Blogging saved Julie, and I pray it will save me too.

So for 365 days, I will reflect on my recovery, my spirtuality, my lost self through the Daily Refections. Hopefully, I will find the courage to get outside of my warped self, attend a meeting, reach out to others... make it to my 8th year of recovery.

I hope others will join and help me in my journey.

Until Tomorrow... Day 1...

Susan